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Kevyboy014
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Name: Kevin
Gender: Male
Interests: God, Hockey, Parkour, Cool peoples, Drumming
Expertise: hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey
Occupation: hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey
Industry: hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Kevyboy014; same on every medium
Member Since:
6/11/2006
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| I know, that title is like something from Relient K... Blame Jesus ;)
Anyways.... Here be my thoughts:
I've had feelings like this before... It just hit me again... Just.... An intense feeling, desperation almost, that... I need to be used by God... And just, terrified of the idea that I might be missing it... I might look back 5 years from now going "Where did those 5 years go? I did nothing for God!" I think this is probably my greatest fear...
I just... I want to live my life, so that at the end I can look back with as little regrets as possible... And I think the only way for me to do that is by living every second of it for the One who lived for me... Jesus...
And I just get so frustrated, because it feels like my life is slipping away.... I know, you guys are all thinking "Chill, you're 4 months away from your 19th birthday" but I think that mindset is what causes 35 year olds to suddenly wonder where life has gone.. I don't think anyone should be to young to get desperate... I just wish I knew where to go from this...
So many times I've just laid it out "God, I beg of You, use me!" only to come away wondering "how?" I can only give it to God and pray that He'll just work everything out, 'cause I have no idea of where or what I'm supposed to be doing... I know something about how God made me, my desires and passions, and that can give me clues as to what God might have me do, but I really have... No idea... I don't know where I'm going, and that can kinda scare me... I just... I think, perhaps better than anything, this can sum it up:
I don't want to get left behind...
I don't want God to somehow pass me by because I wasn't ready, or wasn't doing enough, or, was doing TO much and missed His calling... I want to be one who is always ready, always willing to lay my pride, my comfort zones, and even my life on the line to do what He has for me... Because I know that there's nothing I'd rather give my life for than His greater glory...
Jesus help me....
I hate feeling helpless... I hate getting to a point where I have no idea, because it means I'm not in control... And I think God's giving me a greater revelation into just what "dependency on Him" is, and what it means for my life... I can spout dependency rhetoric all I want, but living out complete dependence on God must be next to impossible... Not that I'd know from personal experience or anything...
I just want to be used by God, and am scared to death that I might be missing out on what He's called me to... God, let me hear You! Where am I, and where am I supposed to be?
"This is YOUR life... Am I who You want me to be?"
"This is my desire: to be used by You"
God... Here's another messed up life, dying to be used by You... I can't say my resume is that appealing, or that I have any of the qualifications You're looking for... I don't even pretend to understand half of who You are, or even how I'm supposed to serve You... I'm just foolish enough to believe, despite all that, You can use me anyways... So here I am... Send me...
Verse:
""My heart fills with awe
When I speak Your Name
'Cause You never change,
Yeah, You stay the same
Pre Chorus:
It's more beautiful, as You still my soul
God it's perfect...
As You fill my hole
Chorus:
And I'll give You my everything
Right here and now
My only request
That You use me somehow
'Cause if all my life is
Is wholly for me
I know I'll look back
With regret and see
All those times You gently prodded
And all those times I simply nodded
And carried on with my life
Without taking the time
To reach into a life
And perhaps change mine
Verse 2:
And my heart fills with rage
As I see satan's work
As he steals lives and time
In the shadow he lurks
Prechorus 2:
Not to destroy, but simply to stall
Every Christian, afraid to fall
While all that we need is our hands full of Faith
And a heart that's abandoned
To a God that is great...
Chorus 2:
And I'll give You my everything
Right here and now
My only request
That You use me somehow
And I know someday I'll look back
Knowing there, that You ued me
While my eyes were blind, to what impact I had
With pride now, I'll see
Every time, that You told me to go
And every time, I stepped out, never to know
How You might use me next
Or the next time I'd fail
But all that I'd know
Is I live because of those nails....." | | |
| So this whole thing is gonna seem really.... Depressing.... Like I've just lost my best friend (which, by the way, would be impossible... He IS invincible...)... And I know what I go through is absolutely nothing, NOTHING compared to what many people must go through daily... It's not my attempt at being dramatic, to gain fanfare (or at least... That's what I'm telling myself...:P...)... I just sometimes have bouts of feeling insecure... I guess like everyone else... Times when I feel inferior... Times when it even feels like God is so far away....
And these times definitely suck... Again, not that they're... Anything compared to what probably almost all of you have experienced, I'm just... Wimpy... Anyways, I was just talking with Jesus, and just.... Feeling secure in that, someday... Someway, I am confident I'll look back on those times as learning experiences... Though they SUCK at the time, just like so many other things, they teach and mold us... All these times when I suddenly feel insecure or inferior... They shape us into whoever God wants us to be... And so, though these times are painful sometimes, and I can never, ever fully understand or appreciate why, maybe this is my next step in trusting God during slightly less than amazing times....
Though my darkest hour may draw near yet
Though I feel lonliness or dispair
Though the world, may feel far away
I know without a doubt... You care
Though tears may stream down my face
And my heart screams out "why?"
I know You surround me in love
And hush my sobbing cries...
God I don't understand
It seems to be my refrain
But I know just enough to believe
Someday, You'll use this pain
Not to be dramatic, I know this isn't special
These tears I shed are only a result
Of my own many weaknesses
In short, much of this is my own fault
But still I cling, to my only hope
Though all may seem like it's falling down
When I just feel lost, all around
I know in Him I'm found
Insecurity claws at me
And inferiority surrounds
Are these normal thoughts?
In my darkness, I hear a sound
My God, like thunder, rushing in
My hero, my Jesus, my everything
Give me wings to fly, give me strength to try
Give my lungs breath, give me voice to sing
I'm not about to give up
I know this is a wimpy test
But I also know that my God cares
And in my Jesus, I find rest
And when I look back someday
God give me strength to say
"Through my tests and trails
Hardships through fires
God kept me and taught me
And somehow set me free..."
Like I said, it may seem kinda... Dark... Like I'm just at the bottom of it all... I'm really not... It's been worse than this, and I'm sure I haven't been through anything like what lots of people have been through... But... Insecurity still hurts... And this is just about how God will use it.... Somehow... Beyond understanding...
"I find healing
In Your presence
I find peace
From the heavens
I know my life
In all that I can't understand
Is in Your hands..." | | |
| No... My dad really is the greatest dad in history of mankind (no matter what you say), but this isn't about my earthly dad, in case you were wondering....
I was just worshiping God... Listening to Skillet's worship album, Ardent Worship Live, which by the way, you all should buy... And I was listening to "Safe with You" which is... Really, probably one of my favorite (non-Supertones) songs, at least lyrically...
"Learning inside
I will be safe with you tonight
You cause the smile
And the teardrops in my eyes
Locked inside your every movement
Will I stand or will I fall?
Trapped inside of your walls of glory
I am just as dead leaves fall
Safe with you
Safe with you
Chaos in my head
The whole universe is at rest
When I'm in your arms
Is when I feel the best
Locked inside your creative being
Whirling about your unfailing truth
Attacked with power by ferocious love
Salvation alone belongs to you
Safe with you
Safe with you
Lifting up my voice
To the God who really sees
The God who is consumed
With loving thoughts of me
The screaming winds
And the crashing of the oceans
Shifting sands and the changing of the seasons
As I stand in awe and wonder
Nothing in the world has prepared me for you! "
I just love the... Well, the love song that it is... I am completely safe in my Daddy's arms... And I started thinking about a Scripture reference that, really, I hadn't read all that many times... I just remember either reading or hearing it once and just being.. Struck, and comforted by how the writer put things... Google is handy here... Anyways... Psalm 18: (Hey... That's weird... I don't remember reading this on my birthday... Are we slacking off here?)
1 I will love You, O LORD, my strength.
2 The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;
My God, my strength, in whom I will trust;
My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
3 I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised;
So shall I be saved from my enemies.
4 The pangs of death surrounded me,
And the floods of ungodliness made me afraid.
5 The sorrows of Sheol surrounded me;
The snares of death confronted me.
6 In my distress I called upon the LORD,
And cried out to my God;
He heard my voice from His temple,
And my cry came before Him, even to His ears.
7 Then the earth shook and trembled;
The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken,
Because He was angry.
8 Smoke went up from His nostrils,
And devouring fire from His mouth;
Coals were kindled by it.
9 He bowed the heavens also, and came down
With darkness under His feet.
10 And He rode upon a cherub, and flew;
He flew upon the wings of the wind.
11 He made darkness His secret place;
His canopy around Him was dark waters
And thick clouds of the skies.
12 From the brightness before Him,
His thick clouds passed with hailstones and coals of fire.
13 The LORD thundered from heaven,
And the Most High uttered His voice,
Hailstones and coals of fire.
14 He sent out His arrows and scattered the foe,
Lightnings in abundance, and He vanquished them.
15 Then the channels of the sea were seen,
The foundations of the world were uncovered
At Your rebuke, O LORD,
At the blast of the breath of Your nostrils.
16 He sent from above, He took me;
He drew me out of many waters.
17 He delivered me from my strong enemy,
From those who hated me,
For they were too strong for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my calamity,
But the LORD was my support.
19 He also brought me out into a broad place;
He delivered me because He delighted in me.
Yeah, there's more, but that's long as is.... But is that not amazing? "Because He was angry."
God hears one of His children cry out in utter distress, and the earth itself can't stand in His way... He comes down from heaven spewing fire, in utter abandon... Almost, for a moment, disregarding what might be happening in the world (okay, I know He's omnipresent... Bear with me..), driven and consumed by the one thought... "Rescue my child... Rescue.... Me..."
God is absolutely consumed by You... By me... He lives each and every day in absolute, reckless abandon for His love for us... I don't think we'll ever know. Not in heaven... Certainly not here... Jesus' love for us, is so much greater than what we can possibly even begin to wrap our mind's around... He's completely OBSESSED over us....
Ridiculous... How could He love me?
Extravagant:
2 a : exceeding the limits of reason or necessity b : lacking in moderation, balance, and restraint c : extremely or excessively elaborate
3 a : spending much more than necessary b : profuse, lavish
4 : extremely or unreasonably high in price
Not that that could really describe a love like my Dad shows me.... But that's pretty good right there.... Extravagant... Incredible...
How is it that we can even breath? Shouldn't God's love daily take our breathe away? Shouldn't we wake up each morning gasping for air as we think about how He loves us?
.... And shouldn't that drive us to action?
As amazing as God's love is... I wonder how often that love is rejected... Turned away... As we "don't have time," or some such nonsense... When we willingly fail Him.... Not that.... Not that, I guess, God can ever be disappointed... He knows what's going to happen... He knows when we'll fail Him... I don't believe there's a day that goes by when He doesn't take a moment to smile down on us, still absolutely, extravagantly consumed with His love for us... I don't think God uses guilt as most people feel it... Definitely, He uses the Holy Spirit to prod and guide us... But God's love is so amazing, I think He is sorry when He has to resort to guilt... It's not God going "you suck at life!" It's God going "Awww... Now your life isn't as fulfilled... Let me help ya out... Please... I'm begging you... Trust my hand... Trust my foresight..."
Man this is scattered... Thanks for reading, if any of you are...
But man... If we could live each and every day with a greater understanding of how Jesus loves us... How my Dad loves me... How He would put the world on hold to come rescue me... How He pours out His love so completely wastefully every single moment of every day...
God's pretty amazing... For a love like that, what could we give? Our lives aren't even worth that much, if you think about it logically... But that's all we have... Isn't in the least we can do? To commit ourselves fully and completely to a Dad that loves us so openly, unconditionally, completely and utterly preposterously...
Yeah... That's my thoughts.... Been awhile, so hope I didn't bore you completely senseless... And I wish I could end this with some cool writing or something, but I feel like... Maybe what's been said is all that can be said... Hmm....
A love extravagant
Poured out on a tree
As You breathed Your last
You thought of me
Your dying wish
Was to give me life
Everlasting, uncomparable
My gift for Your strife
As Your love washes over my sins
Countless as they are
I can only hope to give You me
In return for Your scars
What a love... What a God
What an everlasting Friend....
I love You, Dad.... | | |
| You wear a lot of shoes... Play, work, church, hang time... Shoes are interesting things... They tell what you're planning on doing that day... Sometimes they can display your mood...
But what about Spiritually?
Do we switch shoes Spiritually just as often? Where one minute we're wearing the shoes of the stand-out Christian, the one who just loves Jesus no matter who is around, and the next minute we're closet Christians, scared because of the world? Are we lukewarm? Are we trying to do it on our own?
I dunno.... I just.... Was listening to the song "Miracle Maker" from Delirious, where one of the chorus' goes as follows
"Holy
You are Holy
Who was
And is
And is
To come
Jesus
Precious Jesus
Thank You
Savior
I'm walking in the shoes of the
Miracle Maker"
I thought about that.... Walking in the shoes of the Miracle Maker...
We really can't do anything on our own... All of our EVERYTHING comes for Him and Him alone... So if we're doing anything, as I write this, it's by His strength alone... I'm walking in His shoes... I'm drawing from His power...
What if we did that more often? As we walk, both physically and Spiritually, we try to understand and feel that we're walking in His shoes, rather than trying to figure out who we are apart from Him... That, as long as He's right beside us, nothing is out of reach or impossible. That no matter what He asks us to do, no matter how ludicrious it may seem, it probably won't seem as crazy after, 'cause it was all His doing...
God, help me understand what You can do through me... And what I can't do without You... Help my every movement be from You...
Let me walk in Your shoes... 'Cause You're the only One that can do this... You're the only One who can help me... You're the only One who can somehow enable me to do what You've called me to, even if I have absolutly no idea what that is right now....
Let me draw from You, in every breath I breathe... That I wouldn't take anything for granted, that I would never allow my life to become praise for myself... But that everything I do would point to You...
You're everything
That I want
Everything
That keeps me on my feet
My life, my goal
The One who fills this hole
You're the One
Who saved me from me
The One who keeps me walking
Towards who I'm to be
Help me share with others
What You've shown me
And that would be my thoughts... Looking back, it's very confusing I bet... Haha, sorry... If you made it through all that, you rock... I should send you a sucker.... But I won't... | | |
| Okay, no, I haven't watched the movie... Don't.... No, don't even go there..
No, this blog is about my first "Joshua" walk, as I have decided to call it. "What be that?," you ask? Well, you'd use proper grammar of course, but I've decided to start taking walks, and attempt to, once peice together, walk around the entire city of Cornwall, using the streets of Headline, Power dam, Boundary, and Water as boundries... But much more than just excercise... I've decided to use the time walking as praying for the city. No matter what other prayer requests might be there, I've just decided to take that time to pray, intercede, and believe God for my city. Hopefully that doesn't come across as prideful or arrogant, I'm simply trying to inform.... If you wanna join me, please do.... Ironically, I'm actually outside that boundary, so maybe God will only save those in it... 
Anyways, today I decided to take my first one. I biked one boundary road a couple days ago, but today was the first walk/run/jog/pant, sweat, and die... It was good.... Really good.... I just.... I just pray God will give me more love... Bigger arms... I just want to see this city transformed.....
Anyways, this post wasn't entirely about random rants....
I started playing a recently aquired song, "I want to know," by Brian Cooney, which I have pretty much been in love with since first hearing it.... It's from the point of view of a non-Christian, basically wondering if there might be more to life.... Here's the lyrics:
I walk alone in this world of darkness It's the only life I have known Not really sure what will come tomorrow I don't really have any answers at all
What is this light they are talking about? Who sets these prisoners free? What is this love that is reaching out? I want to know, I want to know Is it real?
I want to know what it really means to be alive I want to know how it feels to be free I want to know, who is this Jesus Christ That He would die for me?
No where to run When my sky is falling There's no one holding my hand No where to turn When the devil comes calling I can't find no shelter in man
What is this light they are talking about? Who sets these prisoners free? What is this love that is reaching out? I want to know, I want to know Is it real?
I want to know what it really means to be alive I want to know how it feels to be free I want to know, who is this Jesus Christ That He would die for me?
And, as per usual Kevin style, I start crying... Just weeping over a city completely broken and lost... Without hope of change, of anything better... God help them.... God save them.... God give me, give us, love to help them...
Man, there's just a.... Cry in my heart.... Come flood their hearts that are just burning alive.... The devil's got.... Check that, used to have, such a strangelhold on the city... I believe it's being broken...
Anyways, that was definitely cool... Another cool point was on my way back, I was jogging again, after taking a short break, and noticed a lock on the ground.... Being my usual self, I had to pick it up.... It was broken, and I just felt like.... God was saying that's what's happening... Chains of affliction are breaking and falling... satan has no hold anymore... God's coming in and saving and healing and.... I think I'm gonna get to watch it...... 
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